I had self-doubt

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February 9, 2016 by Soo Ee

Self-doubt lurks. It creeps into your sub consciousness and waits for its moment to shine. It exists even in the best of us. I did not think it existed in me but I couldn’t be more wrong.

The fear of failure is real. When my coach asked me to pack in the weights for the deadlift WOD this morning, I was not very keen about doing so. Already, all around me, I was lifting the least of weights. If I fail to lift that little bit of increase, me seeing myself as sort of an accomplished athlete, I would be crushed. My ego would be so devastated.

I was afraid of being embarrassed or judged. Letting it go was not as simple as uttering those three words. Within a few seconds after she uttered these words “Soo ee, add more weight!” My brain went into spasm. I only had the next few seconds to decide to do, to try or to reject and be safe where I am at.

I took a deep breath and decided to be less critical of myself. I went digging into the deep recesses of my mind to find something I could work with. I found stored in the ridges of my brain that says excellent performance does not come on a regular basis. Recalling, there were some days when I had it, days when I could run faster than my most-day-regular timing, when I could scored better during contact sports, and there were those other dark days when the slightest feel of after-training-satisfaction eluded me.

I often get upset with myself for not reaching the performance goals that I have set for myself. I was always so tempted to pack in double for the next time round, which was usually the day after. Many times like that, I came to realize that it was a bad thing to do. I felt more tired and because the session after that make up double session was usually a level higher in intensity, my body doesn’t get the break it deserves. Injuries mounted and I fell sick one too often. A good way I resolved that inner struggle to excel, was to tell myself Now that there was nothing wrong with repeating the same workout. I was still working out. I was not letting myself down easy.

I learnt there was no need to validate myself to others. It was difficult because I wanted to be a role model to others and for others to see my grit through the dirt. But in it all, I learnt the importance of rest and that, I have to share too.

Training isn’t all about topping the last workout. It is about resting and not letting your body down by getting injured unnecessarily.

So I took a deep breathe and committed myself to the task at hand.

The added weights is important now, not yesterday, not tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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